I have been taking this class called Restoring Relationships for the past few weeks and as I am down to my last couple of classes I am struggling. At the beginning of taking these classes, because of where my mind and heart was I thought I wasn't going to benefit from this course anymore. How wrong was I? COMPLETELY! It covers the topics of how much our past specifically from our childhood affects everything we are in our adulthood. The affects are even greater when sexual abuse has occurred.
I've had so many traumatic memories in my life that they often overshadow the good I actually did experience as a child or an adult.Even more disheartening that we often mimic the pain that was done to us onto other people. So, now those who have been wounded are now wounding the very same people they should be loving on. It just becomes an unhealthy viscous cycle of unforgiven hurt. I don't know about you but I don't want to be a person to hurt another person because of my own wounds.
The past two weeks we have had to write letters. One was an autobiography detailing the hurts of our past. In that moment I knew I was going to have to face all the pain I had been running away from. Many times I am shocked at how much I have been through and yet still I am standing! I can only give that kind of credit to God because it's incomprehensible. The second set of letters is to our parents. My mother and I have a wonderful relationship but my father is a whole different kind of story. He has no idea what being a father is and he by far was not an example of any type of man I should date let alone marry. I always feared being with anybody that resembled him. One of these days I will get into the details of that but just know the best thing my mother ever did was divorce him and the worst she ever did was marrying him... As you can imagine these letters are digging into so many old wounds and my emotions are everywhere. It's very scary for me! These are wounds I just never wanted to be exposed but I have to do this in order to be who God needs me to be and do what God needs me to do! My purpose in this life depends on my complete healing so no matter how bad it hurts I have to do this.
Through this class I am learning how to find the healing for these soulful wounds and I am feeling the change within my heart. My greatest defense mechanism when it comes to pain is to shut down and become numb to my emotions. However, that process prevented me from admitting that there was pain there in the first place. The thing we as people often try to avoid is to grieve the pain we are feeling. We need to grieve. It's important that we do not ignore how important it is to acknowledge and feel the pain we are feeling inside. Personally, being a woman who has held a lot of pain over the years grieving was not an option for me. I just could not accept the pain so I blocked it out as best I could. The catch to that is because of years of pain not properly grieved I have a soul filled with toxicity.
I am now feeling the pain from my past as well as my present and I haven't felt a lot of things in quite some time. I feel re-humanized. Almost like re-birthing the part of me that had been dead and buried. Now because I can feel all the pain I am also able to feel all of the love as well. It's funny how that worked out, but God knew what to do to get that worked out of me. My capacity to love is so much more overwhelming than my capacity to feel pain.I look forward to telling you the outcome of this purging process. The question is are you ready to hear it? Better yet would you consider doing it for your own life? I think you should! ; )
Catch you later!!! SMOOCHES...MUAH =)
No comments:
Post a Comment