Free love...

In the Bible it says, "Love covers a multitude of sin." It took me a while to truly relate to its meaning.

Once I pull the negative emotional layers away the root to it all is founded on love. That very foundation of love is what has me so torn. How do I walk away from that kind of love? My mind can rationalize every reason I should and then my heart rationalizes every reason I shouldn't. It's like love and pain are at war and most days it seems pain is winning but then love so gently rises back up on the winning side.

I am surrounded by things that should be bringing me pain but all I feel is love, comfort, & peace by them. I can't even explain why it does? On the other hand there are still places I can't go without feeling like I am about to have a meltdown. However, little by little I am attempting to conquer these familiar memories without having such an anxiety about them. It is going to take some time.

It's been almost 2 months since the dynamics of love changed for me and it is a task to stay grounded. I cannot deny how much I am in love. I mean a true unconditional love. Now what do I do with it? My love is traveling down a one way street with no signs of life to meet it. It just overwhelms my heart endlessly so I have this weight in my chest. I wish I could release it to its intended target but that door has been closed and bolted down. I just want to set my love free to the one who used to be in love with me...

My Tree Of Hope

I could have never imagined how life changing this healing process would be for me!!! I am so grateful for the women God has placed in my life. He has surrounded me by so much wisdom and love. I was never a big fan of trusting too many woman but I can honestly say I trust the women he has placed into my life. They have been my strength, my comfort, and my safe place. We all have each others back and God is doing great things as we connect with each other.

Trees of Hope was the best thing that I could have ever been a part of. Going through Shelter From The Storm was painful but rewarding. Some days I didn't think I could do it. Some days I didn't want to do it honestly! It was such a strain on my marriage & my kids but once I made it to my healing God softened my hardened heart. You never realize how years of sexual abuse alters your whole life. It changes everything about who you are and who you were supposed to be. I needed to get those things out of me so I could let God and everybody else back in.

I am thanking God for allowing me to find my tree of hope! Everything happens in His perfect timing and I am seeing the great ways He is using me. I am like a butterfly freely flying into my purpose! I AM BLOOMING WHERE GOD HAS PLANTED ME. ; )
I love the T.O.H. and the B.L.O.O.M team!!! We are so WORTH it...

The Mask

The fake smiles that hide the real tears. I've been doing that for a minute. After a while it gets annoying for people to keep calling asking you are you okay? This is a daily thing! It's a question that answers itself. Nevertheless, I am forced to be strong, put on my brave face, and move forward. Life doesn't stop because you are hurting. It keeps going with or without you. I try to block my thoughts but they wait until I am asleep now and parade my dreams freely. I haven't slept good in a month. I wake up getting ready to speak to an existence that no longer exists. Why have I not broken this pattern yet? I took steps to bring some order to the reality and had a setback that had the enemy parading my thoughts ready to kill and destroy me. I had to break free and leave the very place that I am suppose to have peace just so I didn't fall into the trap of my enemy. Sometimes it is just too much to feel at once and I keep asking God when will it stop? I even tried to make myself go numb but I could not! I mastered this ability and now I can't even use it. This is the worst thing I ever felt inside of me.

I know I am always saying there is a purpose for your pain but I wish wholeheartedly so much pain didn't exist in this world or me. I am starting to see the fruits of this pain because of the wisdom I have obtained. I can see both sides of the table and conclude that many things fail when you try to maintain an "I" in team. Without unity there is nothing. This is how businesses are destroyed, families, marriages, relationships, ministries....whatever! It is a fact that God never designed us to do anything alone. That is the reason even he made man so He would not be alone and then He made a woman so man would not be alone.

I am thankful for the unity in my ministry. Without these women I don't know if I could have any strength inside. We are all going through our individual storms as leaders and that must mean God is about to do a miracle through us and with us but the pain is just overwhelming for us all.

I don't know when I will be okay. I don't know how much longer this pain will last. I don't even know what the future holds. What I do know is God has a plan bigger than my eyes can see and it starts with me looking past my problems and staying focus on the King!

P.S. Sorry, I haven't been blogging much this past week. It was my hardest week yet!!! Blog with you later. Smooches. ; )