The Mask

The fake smiles that hide the real tears. I've been doing that for a minute. After a while it gets annoying for people to keep calling asking you are you okay? This is a daily thing! It's a question that answers itself. Nevertheless, I am forced to be strong, put on my brave face, and move forward. Life doesn't stop because you are hurting. It keeps going with or without you. I try to block my thoughts but they wait until I am asleep now and parade my dreams freely. I haven't slept good in a month. I wake up getting ready to speak to an existence that no longer exists. Why have I not broken this pattern yet? I took steps to bring some order to the reality and had a setback that had the enemy parading my thoughts ready to kill and destroy me. I had to break free and leave the very place that I am suppose to have peace just so I didn't fall into the trap of my enemy. Sometimes it is just too much to feel at once and I keep asking God when will it stop? I even tried to make myself go numb but I could not! I mastered this ability and now I can't even use it. This is the worst thing I ever felt inside of me.

I know I am always saying there is a purpose for your pain but I wish wholeheartedly so much pain didn't exist in this world or me. I am starting to see the fruits of this pain because of the wisdom I have obtained. I can see both sides of the table and conclude that many things fail when you try to maintain an "I" in team. Without unity there is nothing. This is how businesses are destroyed, families, marriages, relationships, ministries....whatever! It is a fact that God never designed us to do anything alone. That is the reason even he made man so He would not be alone and then He made a woman so man would not be alone.

I am thankful for the unity in my ministry. Without these women I don't know if I could have any strength inside. We are all going through our individual storms as leaders and that must mean God is about to do a miracle through us and with us but the pain is just overwhelming for us all.

I don't know when I will be okay. I don't know how much longer this pain will last. I don't even know what the future holds. What I do know is God has a plan bigger than my eyes can see and it starts with me looking past my problems and staying focus on the King!

P.S. Sorry, I haven't been blogging much this past week. It was my hardest week yet!!! Blog with you later. Smooches. ; )