New vs. Growth

Laying awake before the sun even begins to rise my mind reflects back to who I was and who I have become. I have walked through many stages of my life. Some amazing ones, some painful ones, and some very carelessly irresponsible ones. I find that many people see me as this "new" or "changed" person when in reality I am simply who I always was just with a voice that is able to be heard now. For many years I battled between my flesh and my spirit. However, God tells us to die to our flesh daily. I wasn't trying to die to my flesh because I was coexisting with it and my spirit. Which in turn was killing me on so many different levels.

I have no idea the reason for the tears that are beginning to flow from my eyes but I will just write from my heart and let God be blessed through whatever my heart has to say. As I look back from my childhood until now I see clearly the different stages and traumatic events that altered the person I was intended to be. Nevertheless, at the same time I know that because of those very same things that left me stuck in a painful place caused me to become stronger. Life has taught me many horrible things but I can say in this present time of my growth I have learned to expand on the beauty life has given me in spite of painful experiences. I can accept what I did not have control over and I can forgive myself of the things I did have full control over. I used to see my life as a twisted  beautiful nightmare. Nothing was able to overthrow the bad things because it was just too much of it. With clearer eyes I can see that everything that occurred prepared me for my destiny.

I have learned to trust people in ways I thought I never could. I have learned that even when someone does or says something hurtful to me I can forgive them quickly, pray for them, and still show love towards them as if the act had not occurred. It is one thing to say you love it is another thing to love something or someone that is portraying unlovable behavior. But that is how God loves us. I cannot count the times I broke God's heart yet He still shows me love. He is still blessing me. He still chooses to pour favor into my life. I have rejected God. I have been disobedient to things He asked of me. I've blamed God for things I couldn't understand when it clearly says in His word to lean not to your own understanding because my ways are not your ways! I've been a brat towards God.. I've used God like a magic genie who was supposed to grant me wishes and then I just put Him back on the shelf until the next time. I have even stored hate towards God because I wondered where was He when so many traumatic things were done to me? What kind of God lets this happen? I know now that God gives us all free will and because of that free will He does not control the evil acts people "choose" to commit. I have failed God on every level I could fail Him on but God has never failed me. NOT ONCE!

I am not who I was yesterday, and today I won't be the same person tomorrow because I am constantly growing. Every day I intentionally seek growth. I have become a very intentional woman. Even when I fell in love with my husband almost 3 years ago I loved him on purpose. He was the first person I ever "chose" to love. I didn't simply fall in love with him. I didn't think of it as a big deal but when I told my prayer partner about this a couple of weeks ago she said that was a powerful thing. When I thought about it, she was right. Everything we do is a choice. And choosing to love is a great choice because that is exactly what God wants us to do. I just had a light bulb moment while writing. I am reading this book called The Relationship Principles of Jesus and it talks about this and I have finally made the mind to heart connection with it at full circle. WOW!

As I was saying, I am intentional with everything I do now. I intentionally speaks words of encouragement into people. I intentionally smile and speak to strangers on the street. I intentionally keep a wallet full of singles to give to the same homeless guys every time I leave certain shopping plazas near my home. I intentionally validate the worth in women I encounter. It is sadly troubling that many women or girls do not value themselves. They criticize so many things and I am like but God says you are fearfully and wonderfully made, how can you think otherwise? Well, at one point I thought otherwise honestly.

Hmmm, God just revealed something as I was typing. I love the way God talks to me at such random times that are not so random. I just saw images of myself having conversations with my husband. We were dating at the time. Over and over again I spoke a lot of negative things to tell him that bottom line I was too damaged for him. That at some point he would see past the love and see who I really was and then he would walk away from it all because it would be too much. He hated when I used to do that. He hated when I doubted him. I see now that I was not doubting him in actuality I was doubting my own worth. Whoa...I literally felt that I was not good enough to be loved by him because of my damaged past and the side effects from that past. This is a very heart breaking revelation.....I am a bit lost for words now. I rejected love because I was afraid of love is what I thought but no I rejected love because I didn't think I was lovable. I did not even see that back then like I see it clear as day now. I always believed I was a good person that was not the case. I know I have great qualities and horrible ones too but I see the dysfunction that was hiding in my subconscious.

I can see that by my own hidden feelings inside that I without a doubt I caused great pain within my relationship. I have to thank God right now for showing me this now. He must have felt I was ready to handle this truth. This is not the avenue I intended to go in this blog. It is the complete opposite actually. I am going to mediate on this truth and pray on this matter deeply. Thank you God for showing and teaching me love these past few months.

God has given me this huge platform and I am taking advantage of it all. I will touch on this in my next blog. Right now I need  to soak in what has been shown to me because it hit my heart like a ton of bricks and I need to sit down with God to sort this out....Blog with you later!!! **Smooches**