Sending out good vibes. =)

There is "Good" in Goodbye.

Hate almost took a root inside of me the past few days. I could literally feel the weight of it being planted within my heart. As I was just about to fall asleep I remembered I worked too hard to get here! Nothing deserves for me to hold that severity of a negative emotion. Yes, I am still angry due to the handling of matters and not the outcome of the situation itself. Therefore, my heart and soul is wounded deeply to its core. It is going to take a while for me to recover from the loss. However, I realize what I had died a long time ago! Maybe that is what is truly grieving me. What I had before was not what I had when I decided to take it to the next level in my life. As I've gone through old journals and things from the past 2 years almost, I realize the only thing I was truly holding onto was chaos and pain because that is all I kept referring to. What is before me is a complete stranger to my heart and what I once saw is dead and buried. I am just now realizing that I held on to what was and not really what was in the present. I'm just filled with overwhelming memories of the wonderfulness I once held within. It would be great if I could be numb again but I think me feeling the pain will keep me from making the same mistake again! I will be much wiser in my decision making. I think what bothers me more is all the things I defended against turned out to be the truth all along. I suppose I was blind to it or I just couldn't believe it as the truth. I was lying to myself and putting protection where it didn't deserve to be put. I see more clearly of what really was and what I wanted to see.

I think while writing this I am just acknowledging the death that I never coped with. I do have regrets. Although people think you shouldn't have regrets. I have many! I am owning that wholeheartedly. Despite what I learned through this toxicity I wouldn't travel the road again. God had a plan for my life and I took the scenic route by creating that life changing detour. I should have never went backwards and kept moving forward in my healing. The only trust that should have been placed in that time was in God. Nevertheless, my fears led the way and I lost who I was in the process.

My environment is much more peaceful. I am able to write poetry again which I had a blockage in doing this past year.Doors and opportunities are opening all over for me with my writing. Projects are lined up well into next year. My babies are getting involved in great things at church and in school. Yet I still find myself crying in the midst of the smiles. Go figure! Good thing I have a strong spiritual support system. They pray me through it all without having to tell them anything. They feel my pain and pray for it.
We have been talking about "our worth" in my BLOOM ministry with the girls and I am realizing that I had allowed myself to be devalued that I forgot what I was worth! Over time my worth became zero and God didn't create me to be a zero. He made me PRICELESS! Nobody deserves to be made to feel less than what God created them to be. I am reminded of my worth. I am a great woman, an awesome mother, and I will be an amazing wife because I am now healed! I deserve God's best and in His timing I will receive it.
I really try not to beat myself up for my actions that led to this pivotal time in my life but the effect it has caused on myself and my little family had been weighing in on me heavy. So much unnecessary trauma that they nor I should have ever been exposed to. We all need healing from these wounds. We deserve better things and God is making a way for us to have them! Once He gets me through this pain I will be at peace emotionally again. The things that are making me cry now like a trip to the mall, won't after a while. It's kind of like how can you miss something you never had? It was an illusion of something it never was in the present time. I had 2010 on repeat forgetting it was 2012. So, this may be actually the best thing I ever loss...

Surrounded by greatness.

What I love about the men and women in my life is that when I cry they cry. When I fall they run to help me up. When I'm flying high they are soaring with me. God has surrounded me with just the right people for this season in my life. They motivate me and uplift me with no motives other than wanting what is best for me. Of course I am all these things to them as well. I am so thankful for who God has placed in my life as well as who He has removed. When this season is over I am going to achieve beyond the expectations I set. Everything happens for a reason. I may cry now but after the healing is over I will be smiling bigger and brighter than ever!!! =) God is working it out in my favor...

With all that I've encountered over this year it is time that I put my pain back into my poetry. This is where the healing will start once I release my sorrows into words. These will be my best pieces yet! I haven't been able to really write in a while but it is coming back to me. I hope I never lose it again because my words speak volumes.

Getting back to me

When you lose yourself the best thing you can do is find yourself in a better place than you were in before. Learning that I don't have to give up so much of myself anymore just to be left on empty. There is balance in everything. I have to end a chapter in my life I don't want to end. It is a very painful chapter but I can still find reasons to smile within those pages. I am forced to take the lessons learned and use them in a new chapter in a whole new book for my life. Despite my grieving and tears I have to move forward past the loss and be grateful for what I will gain! I don't know how long it will take me to work past this heartache but I do know God has something great in store for me in all areas of my life. I didn't go through all of this for nothing. As for now I will let my words heal me because the more I release outside the less blockage I have inside. I refuse to be who I was! I am a stronger, wiser, and better woman today. I will continue to become a better mother and though it took some time I learned what it takes to be a good wife. I will continue to study that role because marriage is a beautiful thing in God's eyes. I am going to honor God in amazing way when I get to show Him the kind of wife He has groomed me to be! God will be proud of me. Where I failed once in life I will no longer fail again because His wisdom will stay with me......Thank you God for keeping me in the midst of this storm!!!

Why I shaved off my hair?

Well.....Because.... I CAN!!! O_o Seriously, the day after a life altering day in my life I decided to basically START OVER. I've already done that on the inside so I felt I needed to do it with the outside as well. I've been losing a lot of things this year and people as well. I think it is time I start gaining back what I lost but with a better purpose. Life is too short to live beneath God's best. God designed me for greatness and I can't be great by being bound things and people God didn't design for my life. It is also a time to rebuild and restore those damged places within my heart as well as my soul. A time to re-evaluate and appreciate the blessing I had in front of me. Sometimes it takes losing something just to see how valuable it was in the first place! Prayerfully, God will restore that piece of me I lost and it will be better and stronger than it was before. I believe that is something I will never take for granted again.......

Losing Strength!

My bad days are outweighing the good.

These past couple of weeks have been mentally, emotionally, & physically draining! It is so hard to see hope in a situation where everything is crumbling around you and you are losing valuable people in the process. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH HONESTLY.....IT IS "TOO" MUCH!!! =,(

Loving this Video Blogging!!! =) Watch a piece of my testimony.

A Part Of Me Died Inside...

I feel like a very important part of myself has died. No matter how much I try to ignore what is going on, reality keeps hitting me in my face every morning I wake up and every night I go to sleep. I am in this limbo stage of life and no matter how bad I want it to go right it continues to go left. I continue to tell myself that God has this purpose that my eyes can't see. That no matter how bad my heart hurts He is working out the best things for me. But how do I keep the faith when the reality of the unknown is suffocating me? I get tired of the "Be Strong" speeches & spiritual quotes of encouragement when at the end of the day my heart is still hurting. I never gave myself a fairytale vision for my life but I did expect a more beautiful journey than I stumbled upon. All I can do is pray that my prayers get answered according to the will God has for my life. Even if I lose everything I originally had. Yes, it will hurt me deeply if it isn't the same as my current heart's desire but I trust that God would never do anything to hurt me. I am grieving over this part of me that is dying. Even as I write the tears are building within my eyes. I miss the greatness that I had once had within my heart but it is so empty now. I've been faking it for a week now. I knew I would have good days and bad days but now the bad days are adding up. I am tired of wearing this masquerade. Can I just be real? It appears people expect me to be something I am not right now which is strong. Yes, I am a very strong woman but right now I am going through my weakness. I don't want to hide behind my pain. My pain is real! My tears are real! What I am going through and have been going through for quite some time is more than real! My soul yearns for what is such a far distance away and that is killing me inside. I am questioning between words and actions and you know when the mind thinks too long anything can be imagined. I don't want my imagination to distort my reality again. Though words bring me comfort and peace, the actions bring me pain and disappointment. I don't want the lies to become truth and the truth to become lies.....I know this may not make sense to you as you read but at some later point it will. It's too soon to say right now. Hopefully, my next post will be a little more uplifting for you. Sometimes you have to get real with yourself so you can get real with others. Blog with you soon....SMOOCHES.

Battling Pain On My Prince's B-Day =\

All Work!!!

It's funny how painful changes in your life will motivate you to push even harder for your dreams. For a while I have been letting other people have more power in that arena where I should have been taking more control. After all, it is MY dream right? So, many doors and opportunities are opening up for me left and right. I must say I am extremely excited, humbled, and honored! People I don't even know are willing to go out there way for me and for FREE at that. When God knows your situation He will make a way for you. Yesterday, I was feeling like I was being kicked while I was down and then just like that God was pulling me back up. He was reminding me that my faith and trust must stay in Him because His intentions are ALWAYS pure. I am seeing the true colors of a lot of people and these are people I would never expect to show these kinds of colors. I am at a time in my life where I have to protect as well as guard my heart, my mind, my spirit, and my purpose way better than I have in the past. These things can make or break me and I will not be broken by people or life again. They say when you know better you simply do better! I pray mercy for those who have meant harm to me over the years. God's wrath is nothing to play with and messing with a person such as I, there will need to be an overflow of mercy. I have seen what He has done to others in the past concerning me. I can only imagine what He would do now. My purpose is just that great!

Now that my head is more clear I have started back writing. I am almost done with a new piece of poetry. I started the video blogging which I am finding very enjoyable. I cannot wait until I do the next one. People are enjoying those more than I expected. As you can see I am blogging more frequently. Yay me! LOL Yes, I am getting my stuff together. I am currently working on some changes to my poetry book. I decided I want to go a slightly different route with it and also add a little more to it as well. I think most likely next week I will start back writing my book on my life. I believe I am more than ready to travel that path now. I have grown a lot and overcome a lot so it is surely time! Most importantly I am HEALED from those things that caused me such turmoil over the years. Thank you Jesus for that! =) Well, let me get back to work....SMOOCHES ; )

My Life Has Been Altered...

If I would have looked back at my life I never would have imagined the things that I have been through. For quite some time I have been going through a battle with my past that was drastically affecting my present. Thank God for healing and Thank God for showing me what I was blind to within myself and to those who surrounded me. God is still taking his time through this present lesson in life and I must say it is a painful process. At the same time this pain has forced me to refocus on my purpose and not my problems. Sometimes we never know how much we block our own blessings until God starts removing some of those stumbling blocks for us. I have my good days and then I have my not so good days. Today was one of those days but God still was showing me I need to trust Him and not what I see before me. The enemy wants me to be focused on the negative so it will cripple me from going into my destiny but He will not win! God made me such a warrior and if I can beat death twice I can surely beat anything else that comes my way. It is in your weakness that you will see who really is there for you and who is against you. Trust me that you will be able to count those people on one hand alone. Honestly, that is all you really need. My advice to you is love yourself enough not to lose yourself unless it's in God! ; ) Blog with you later....SMOOCHES.

September Is Sickle Cell Awareness Month

A video of my son and I talking about our illness.

Sooooo I finally did it!!! LOL #Enjoy ; )