Hate almost took a root inside of me the past few days. I could literally feel the weight of it being planted within my heart. As I was just about to fall asleep I remembered I worked too hard to get here! Nothing deserves for me to hold that severity of a negative emotion. Yes, I am still angry due to the handling of matters and not the outcome of the situation itself. Therefore, my heart and soul is wounded deeply to its core. It is going to take a while for me to recover from the loss. However, I realize what I had died a long time ago! Maybe that is what is truly grieving me. What I had before was not what I had when I decided to take it to the next level in my life. As I've gone through old journals and things from the past 2 years almost, I realize the only thing I was truly holding onto was chaos and pain because that is all I kept referring to. What is before me is a complete stranger to my heart and what I once saw is dead and buried. I am just now realizing that I held on to what was and not really what was in the present. I'm just filled with overwhelming memories of the wonderfulness I once held within. It would be great if I could be numb again but I think me feeling the pain will keep me from making the same mistake again! I will be much wiser in my decision making. I think what bothers me more is all the things I defended against turned out to be the truth all along. I suppose I was blind to it or I just couldn't believe it as the truth. I was lying to myself and putting protection where it didn't deserve to be put. I see more clearly of what really was and what I wanted to see.
I think while writing this I am just acknowledging the death that I never coped with. I do have regrets. Although people think you shouldn't have regrets. I have many! I am owning that wholeheartedly. Despite what I learned through this toxicity I wouldn't travel the road again. God had a plan for my life and I took the scenic route by creating that life changing detour. I should have never went backwards and kept moving forward in my healing. The only trust that should have been placed in that time was in God. Nevertheless, my fears led the way and I lost who I was in the process.
My environment is much more peaceful. I am able to write poetry again which I had a blockage in doing this past year.Doors and opportunities are opening all over for me with my writing. Projects are lined up well into next year. My babies are getting involved in great things at church and in school. Yet I still find myself crying in the midst of the smiles. Go figure! Good thing I have a strong spiritual support system. They pray me through it all without having to tell them anything. They feel my pain and pray for it.
We have been talking about "our worth" in my BLOOM ministry with the girls and I am realizing that I had allowed myself to be devalued that I forgot what I was worth! Over time my worth became zero and God didn't create me to be a zero. He made me PRICELESS! Nobody deserves to be made to feel less than what God created them to be. I am reminded of my worth. I am a great woman, an awesome mother, and I will be an amazing wife because I am now healed! I deserve God's best and in His timing I will receive it.
I really try not to beat myself up for my actions that led to this pivotal time in my life but the effect it has caused on myself and my little family had been weighing in on me heavy. So much unnecessary trauma that they nor I should have ever been exposed to. We all need healing from these wounds. We deserve better things and God is making a way for us to have them! Once He gets me through this pain I will be at peace emotionally again. The things that are making me cry now like a trip to the mall, won't after a while. It's kind of like how can you miss something you never had? It was an illusion of something it never was in the present time. I had 2010 on repeat forgetting it was 2012. So, this may be actually the best thing I ever loss...
I think while writing this I am just acknowledging the death that I never coped with. I do have regrets. Although people think you shouldn't have regrets. I have many! I am owning that wholeheartedly. Despite what I learned through this toxicity I wouldn't travel the road again. God had a plan for my life and I took the scenic route by creating that life changing detour. I should have never went backwards and kept moving forward in my healing. The only trust that should have been placed in that time was in God. Nevertheless, my fears led the way and I lost who I was in the process.
My environment is much more peaceful. I am able to write poetry again which I had a blockage in doing this past year.Doors and opportunities are opening all over for me with my writing. Projects are lined up well into next year. My babies are getting involved in great things at church and in school. Yet I still find myself crying in the midst of the smiles. Go figure! Good thing I have a strong spiritual support system. They pray me through it all without having to tell them anything. They feel my pain and pray for it.
We have been talking about "our worth" in my BLOOM ministry with the girls and I am realizing that I had allowed myself to be devalued that I forgot what I was worth! Over time my worth became zero and God didn't create me to be a zero. He made me PRICELESS! Nobody deserves to be made to feel less than what God created them to be. I am reminded of my worth. I am a great woman, an awesome mother, and I will be an amazing wife because I am now healed! I deserve God's best and in His timing I will receive it.
I really try not to beat myself up for my actions that led to this pivotal time in my life but the effect it has caused on myself and my little family had been weighing in on me heavy. So much unnecessary trauma that they nor I should have ever been exposed to. We all need healing from these wounds. We deserve better things and God is making a way for us to have them! Once He gets me through this pain I will be at peace emotionally again. The things that are making me cry now like a trip to the mall, won't after a while. It's kind of like how can you miss something you never had? It was an illusion of something it never was in the present time. I had 2010 on repeat forgetting it was 2012. So, this may be actually the best thing I ever loss...
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