I feel like a very important part of myself has died. No matter how much I try to ignore what is going on, reality keeps hitting me in my face every morning I wake up and every night I go to sleep. I am in this limbo stage of life and no matter how bad I want it to go right it continues to go left. I continue to tell myself that God has this purpose that my eyes can't see. That no matter how bad my heart hurts He is working out the best things for me. But how do I keep the faith when the reality of the unknown is suffocating me? I get tired of the "Be Strong" speeches & spiritual quotes of encouragement when at the end of the day my heart is still hurting. I never gave myself a fairytale vision for my life but I did expect a more beautiful journey than I stumbled upon. All I can do is pray that my prayers get answered according to the will God has for my life. Even if I lose everything I originally had. Yes, it will hurt me deeply if it isn't the same as my current heart's desire but I trust that God would never do anything to hurt me. I am grieving over this part of me that is dying. Even as I write the tears are building within my eyes. I miss the greatness that I had once had within my heart but it is so empty now. I've been faking it for a week now. I knew I would have good days and bad days but now the bad days are adding up. I am tired of wearing this masquerade. Can I just be real? It appears people expect me to be something I am not right now which is strong. Yes, I am a very strong woman but right now I am going through my weakness. I don't want to hide behind my pain. My pain is real! My tears are real! What I am going through and have been going through for quite some time is more than real! My soul yearns for what is such a far distance away and that is killing me inside. I am questioning between words and actions and you know when the mind thinks too long anything can be imagined. I don't want my imagination to distort my reality again. Though words bring me comfort and peace, the actions bring me pain and disappointment. I don't want the lies to become truth and the truth to become lies.....I know this may not make sense to you as you read but at some later point it will. It's too soon to say right now. Hopefully, my next post will be a little more uplifting for you. Sometimes you have to get real with yourself so you can get real with others. Blog with you soon....SMOOCHES.
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