At The Cross...

 

Thursday evening the children and I put our names on the cross. It was a symbolization of our sins being nailed to the cross and covered by the blood of Jesus to wash away our sins. My son did one for my husband and I put it on the cross and said a little prayer to cover our family and forgive us for our sins as well as to thank God for sending His son to die for our sins. Then last night we went to Good Friday service at our church and took communion at the end. Although, my husband was not there I prayed to God and said because we are "one flesh" I would stand and represent us both so once again I said a prayer asking God to forgive us of our sins and thanking Him for the great sacrifice. I prayed that God would give us a heart like His and that we would draw closer to Him. In that moment I felt something so serene and beautiful and for the first time communion meant something so much greater to me than ever before.

God has brought me so far and my family so far and although we have not reached our final destination I thank God for the ultimate sacrifice He gave through Christ. Every time I see what I lost and the tears begin to form I remember look how far I've come and look how much I have gained? God has done something in me that is greater than any gift or talent He could have ever given me. He gave me LOVE! No matter how many times I failed Him, He never stopped loving me. No matter how many times I disappointed Him I was loved. Even while in disobedience God gave me His mercy, His grace, but most of all His unwavering love! God's love NEVER fails even when I fail!!!! I am so grateful He took the time out to teach me how to love. He worked through my anger, my bitterness, my hate, my rage, my depression, my suicidal thoughts and He reached down and smiled on me as if I wasn't these broken pieces but I was perfectly whole in His eyes. God loved me even before I walked into the woman He called me to be! I am forever thankful for that kind of love and that kind of God. This is proof that there is purpose for my pain and none of it has been in vain because look at who I am today. =) I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am trusting the process even though I don't know the plans....

Blog with you later **huggies**

March 26, 2010

Three years ago today I stepped off a plane at La Guardia airport in New York. It was my first time ever getting on a plane and it was the first fear I truly conquered of flying. I had recently buried my grandmother a couple of weeks prior. It was the hardest loss I have ever encountered. My spiritual backbone was no more but God had provided me a new one as she was leaving. I didn’t know at the time that this person would turn out to be the man I married. I made sure to have a window seat because if the plane was going to crash I wanted to see it! lol However, as the plane ascended into the air it looked like peace in heaven. I felt so at peace and I was ready to see what was in store for me. I remember stepping off the plane and my nerves were a wreck. I was apprehensive of the weekend that lied ahead of me. The moment I walked out the airport I saw my boyfriend at the time getting out the cab . It was like whoa! What a beautiful creation of God he was to me and his smile seemed brighter than the sun. When I say he spoiled me in every way he could, he really did! I felt like a Queen and I was in awe of the amazing heart inside of him. We were up and down Manhattan the whole weekend and I fell in love with New York. While falling in love with New York I said to myself that this is the man I want to give my love as well as my heart to and I did just that. I chose to love the man who made me feel like his Queen.

He took me to my first play. We went to see Lion King and until this day every time I feel really bad I think about that day and the play. I remember when he was in training with the military he would write in his letters to think of that day and remember we would have more of those days. He kept to that promise because we did have more of those days every chance he had. So, much has changed from those happy days of parading around New York. A lot has been lost and a lot of pain has developed over the years, Nevertheless, every time I think of New York I will see our love manifested. Every time I feel like it’s too much to bear I will see all the great things that came out of the man God brought to me. I will always love New york and I will always love my husband for this reason. He opened my life to a whole new world that I could have only seen through his eyes.

He loved me in spite of my brokenness and even when that same brokenness hurt him he tried with everything in him to love me with everything he had. However, only God could truly love my hurt away. Only God could truly make me whole again and I must say I love being this whole woman I am today! I love that God showed me my enemy, myself! Above all these things I am glad that God taught me how to love the right way. Now, I pour out that love every chance I get. Love is the most beautiful gift we can give anybody and marriage is such a privilege. I honor and respect the things God has placed inside of me and around me. God sent such an overflow of His love into my heart and it continues to spill over in every inch of my being. I thank God for my husband because of all the good he has brought into my life. I pray God overflows his own heart with this kind of love. It’s better than anything I could ever give him.
When I think of today my eyes begin to water because today reminds me of the start of something that beautifully changed my life and my heart forever…..I will call today my anniversary of “choosing to” love!!! =)

Sleepless Nights...

My health is fighting against the rapid thoughts within my mind so in return both are keeping me awake simultaneously. This is week two of this under the weather blues. My body keeps shutting down on me at such random times. I am thankful that is not followed by pain but the effects are still the same. Stuck in bed looking at a calendar full of events and commitments I have yet my body is saying, "No, I want to rest."

This is different for me. In my whole 32 years of living I have never experienced such overwhelming grief when it comes to being ill. I have always had a support system in place but now it is just me. Picking up the pieces, pushing through my bad days because well......I don't have a choice. If I don't do it then who will? All I have is me! I don't like this place. How can I be surrounded by people and still feel so alone in this area? I don't understand this season in my life. Honestly, it' hard to have faith when the more right you do the more odds seem to stack up against you. It's like you are trying to stay focused on God in the midst of all these other things that are out of your control but when it is your health it's like okay, this is too much. I am not used to being sick in this manner. I go to doctors who cannot give a clear answer on what is happening other than an educated guess of why I feel like a walking zombie.

I have amazing things happening in me and around me and I can't even enjoy them because I just don't have the energy to. I don't have the motivation to do what I am called to do because physically and mentally I am drained. Nevertheless, I still find a way to pour out into my teens. I still muster up the energy to walk these women through their healing. I still dig deep in me to minister and pray for these wives and husbands who are dealing with so much in their marriages. I do all of this without having barely enough energy to get out of my bed in the morning to take my son to school. Or help my children with their school projects. As a matter of fact I have a prayer call to administer in a few hours but I feel so horrible I can't even sleep comfortably.

Now I lie awake thinking of things that only bring tears to my eyes. Things that shouldn't even be making me cry anymore because I've worked through that over and over again just to get to this place of peace I am at right now. I recognize it is the enemy. Seeking to disturb my mind so he could enter my dreams with pure foolishness that I don't need to dream. I look around my room and see everything that should make me smile but right now looking at these things makes me feel the complete opposite. The one place in my home that I made my sanctuary of peace all of a sudden does not feel so peaceful in this moment. I see visions of painful memories that no longer tangibly exist in my reality. I feel a presence that is always with me yet at the same time thousands of miles away. Sometimes, I try to bury all the pain but I know every bit of it I need to feel in order to continue to heal.

Here I am stuck between this physical discomfort and mental discontent that my sleep has escaped from me. I have no idea what God is doing but I am trusting Him even though I am at my wits end because I can't do this on my own. I pray He orchestrates a whole new avenue of support....I shouldn't have to go through this alone. I wouldn't even want my worst enemy(I have none) to be alone at such a time as this.

With tearful eyes I say, "Blog with you later!"

Obedience - Fear = God's Power

God has placed a task on my heart that I will admit that I am afraid to carry through but I "WILL" do what He told me to do. It was my promise to God that I would do my best to obey Him even when I don't understand it and even if it hurts. I will follow God's lead!!!!

This has been an amazing year for me so far in overcoming fears. Each time I overcome a fear the reward is overwhelmingly humbling. God opens a new door or freedom for me and people just start pouring into my life. People who are pretty much strangers to me. However, they see the God in me.

Even thinking about this task in front of me. My eyes are filling with tears....

(I'll Be Back)

My nerves are bad...my body is shivering....but I was obedient to what God told me. It's released and I worked through my fear even with the tears falling from my eyes and the doubt in my heart. I don't know why God asked me to do what He asked and maybe it isn't for me to know. Maybe it was to help me grow in this area of weakness. To step out of my comfort zone. He has been having me out of my comfort zone a lot. I am quite overwhelmed in this moment. So, on that note....

Blog with you later. **Hugs**