My health is fighting against the rapid thoughts within my mind so in return both are keeping me awake simultaneously. This is week two of this under the weather blues. My body keeps shutting down on me at such random times. I am thankful that is not followed by pain but the effects are still the same. Stuck in bed looking at a calendar full of events and commitments I have yet my body is saying, "No, I want to rest."
This is different for me. In my whole 32 years of living I have never experienced such overwhelming grief when it comes to being ill. I have always had a support system in place but now it is just me. Picking up the pieces, pushing through my bad days because well......I don't have a choice. If I don't do it then who will? All I have is me! I don't like this place. How can I be surrounded by people and still feel so alone in this area? I don't understand this season in my life. Honestly, it' hard to have faith when the more right you do the more odds seem to stack up against you. It's like you are trying to stay focused on God in the midst of all these other things that are out of your control but when it is your health it's like okay, this is too much. I am not used to being sick in this manner. I go to doctors who cannot give a clear answer on what is happening other than an educated guess of why I feel like a walking zombie.
I have amazing things happening in me and around me and I can't even enjoy them because I just don't have the energy to. I don't have the motivation to do what I am called to do because physically and mentally I am drained. Nevertheless, I still find a way to pour out into my teens. I still muster up the energy to walk these women through their healing. I still dig deep in me to minister and pray for these wives and husbands who are dealing with so much in their marriages. I do all of this without having barely enough energy to get out of my bed in the morning to take my son to school. Or help my children with their school projects. As a matter of fact I have a prayer call to administer in a few hours but I feel so horrible I can't even sleep comfortably.
Now I lie awake thinking of things that only bring tears to my eyes. Things that shouldn't even be making me cry anymore because I've worked through that over and over again just to get to this place of peace I am at right now. I recognize it is the enemy. Seeking to disturb my mind so he could enter my dreams with pure foolishness that I don't need to dream. I look around my room and see everything that should make me smile but right now looking at these things makes me feel the complete opposite. The one place in my home that I made my sanctuary of peace all of a sudden does not feel so peaceful in this moment. I see visions of painful memories that no longer tangibly exist in my reality. I feel a presence that is always with me yet at the same time thousands of miles away. Sometimes, I try to bury all the pain but I know every bit of it I need to feel in order to continue to heal.
Here I am stuck between this physical discomfort and mental discontent that my sleep has escaped from me. I have no idea what God is doing but I am trusting Him even though I am at my wits end because I can't do this on my own. I pray He orchestrates a whole new avenue of support....I shouldn't have to go through this alone. I wouldn't even want my worst enemy(I have none) to be alone at such a time as this.
With tearful eyes I say, "Blog with you later!"
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