God's Strength Not Yours...

I apologize for taking so long to blog again. I kind of became swept away by life and ministry but I am still here. ;-) I have had this blog in my head for quite some time and I am finally forcing myself to sit still long enough to write it out. So, here goes...

As many people as I see getting married there are even more going through divorce. I sit back and wonder how God is thinking and feeling through all of this? Too many times we leave God out of this holy covenant called marriage when He created it from the beginning of Adam and Eve. God wants to see our marriages not only survive but thrive! He is waiting on us to put Him and keep Him at the center of it

all. However, we often do not draw God in until everything seems beyond repair and then we want a miracle to happen.

I can speak from my own experience that I spent most of my time doing my marriage in my own strength instead of God's strength. This had me feeling weary, hopeless, and defeated until I just wanted to give up. Marriage was not designed for us to give up but to give IN! Give into God's will for our marriages and leave behind our own agenda. That takes a whole lot of dying to self. It isn't an easy thing but it is the right thing.

I recall having a conversation with God and feeling like why do I have to love while experiencing all these things that are making want to hate? God told me because He loved me through anything and everything and I did not have the right not to love in the same manner. That was a true harsh slap of reality that I needed to hear! The truth is always good for us and that truth is found in the word of God. I love walking in His truth and even more walking in His love. There is freedom in that! =) Remember: LOVE IS A CHOICE NOT AN EMOTION!

My encouragement to you is that no matter what stage you are in your marriage journey God is with you. You just make sure you are WITH Him as well! He will not lead you down the wrong path. There will be glory after this! Your marriage is in God's hands and no matter the outcome embrace that God has and wants His BEST for you. Respect the process because the healing needs to take place. Do not rush to your breakthrough and miss the lessons needed to thrive as a wife or a husband. God is doing a great thing in you and you only need to be still and know that your Daddy in Heaven is the God of Recompense!!!

I didn't become a wife simply because my husband put a ring on my finger and we exchanged vows. No, I truly walked into my wifehood when God took His time and taught me true love, taught me forgiveness, and taught me the biblical meaning of a wife! God made me a wife because what I was before God stepped in was not the wife I was called to be. I am grateful for walking into who I was supposed to be when I became married. Diving into God's word allowed Him to dive into my heart so deep and heal the areas I did not even know needed healing. Now the person who had lost hope in marriage but became married anyway, became the person who loves everything about marriage and allowing God's glory to shine through that.

God Bless You, Your Marriage or Future Marriage!!! Blog with you later....Hugs & Love!!!

Marriage: Broken Unity

When I started this marriage ministry 9 months ago I had no idea how it would change my life or the way I did marriage. Today, as I look through my calendar at divorce proceedings that should never be amongst men and women in my ministry it breaks my heart. It is a sad thing that in the body of Christ, so many marriages have failed to represent the love between Christ and the church. Marriage has become like a fashion statement that goes out of style whenever the mood changes. No longer are marriages surviving the four seasons because as soon as the rough seasons come one if not both parties are jumping ship. Lives are being affected, children are being broken, and the family structure is being destroyed!

If only we could think of our self less and God more how many more marriages could survive the storms? I thank God for this ministry at the same time it can bring me much grief. I dislike to see people hurting in anyway, especially in marriage! The men and women in my ministry are like my family and when they hurt, I hurt with them! I know I should not take on this burden of pain because it is for God but I can't help but empathize with that kind of pain. There are no right words that I could form to ease their hurt but yet they still find comfort in my prayers and encouragement so that I can take comfort in! I praise God for equipping me with the knowledge and wisdom to help these men and women of God. Most importantly, I praise Him for making me a powerful prayer warrior and intercessor on their behalf!!! I never knew how powerful I would become at praying but I am grateful for how this gift manifested within me.

I wish we as wives and husbands would realize the real enemy in our marriages was satan and not one another. He despises unity. He hates this Holy covenant between God, man, and woman! He will do every and anything to destroy a marriage and many times we make it so easy for that to happen. Every time we do not do marriage God's way and let our flesh override our spirit we provide the enemy with a foot hole into our marriages. We take marriage out of God's hands and into our owns but when it starts spiraling out of control then we want God to take over again! We must stop this unhealthy cycle. We must stop bringing shame to marriages that people would rather shack up than be married because all it seems to lead to is divorce! Marriage is not a game and God is not pleased!

There are many of us who became married without God's permission. It was our own selfish desire and that is the reason for all that is occurring. Without waiting on God's timing it opened the doors to a full out battle in the spirit realm that many were not equipped for. However, because God is who He is nothing is impossible for Him! There are times He will just turn it all around and there are other times He will just set you up for greater. The latter part is what many argue against but God is God and He does as He pleases! He does not want His children to live in torment!!! God does not get glory out of a dysfunctional marriage and since we all have free will that is the only way true restoration can occur. When both parties come together to do marriage God's way!

Never stop fighting for your marriage unless God instructs you to do so! Those vows you took are very serious and God is holding you accountable to them. If you will just allow God to restore you and heal you then the hardest part is already over! God needs to work on you before He can even touch anything else. Make sure you have a pure heart towards God and your spouse. You must operate in the spirit of forgiveness AND love! It is mandatory not optional! However, you are NOT to accept abuse from your spouse on any level! Going through separation or divorce can be painful and hurt people hurt people and broken people try to break people! God does not want you to be a doormat because you are standing for your marriage and staying in His will! I cannot stress this enough that no matter what you deserve to be valued, respected, and treated as the man or woman of God created you to be! Know your worth and identity and Christ and don't let that be destroyed by anybody even your spouse. You are the daughters and sons of the Most High King! ;-)

I leave my married couples with this prayer: Father God in the name of Jesus allow your will to be done in every marriage across the world! Restore families Lord! Heal broken homes Father! Reconcile spouses to one another Holy Spirit! Break the chains and curses over marriages in Jesus name! No weapon formed against any marriage shall prosper in the name of Jesus! Destroy every strong hold by the power of the blood of Jesus! I bind up every spirit of lies, adultery, unforgivness, witchcraft, pornorgrphy, pride, bitterness, resentment, anger, rage, idolatry, hate, depression, oppression, strife, division, deceit, and double mindedness in Jesus name and I release the spirit of peace, love, joy, gentleness, forgiveness, patience, obedience, unity, fidelity, loyalty, salvation, humility, humbleness, repentance, grace, mercy and favor in the name of Jesus! Lord, have your way in your marriages and let your will overcome victorious in your perfect timing! I declare and decree that it is already getting better in Jesus name there will be glory after this for these wives and husbands! I speak life into these dead marriages and I prophesy that they shall live and not die in Jesus name, Amen! 

God Bless...Blog With you Later!!! =)

From Brokenness To Wholeness

I find myself always speaking on the importance of healing. So, many times we walk around broken getting into relationships that end up broken with other broken people. A valuable lesson I have learned is never enter a relationship broken or get in a relationship with someone who is.Why do I say this? I say this because when you do this you create an unhealthy dynamic. You put too much expectations on that person to be your savior when the only savior you should have is Jesus Christ! He is the one who got up on a cross and died for you not that person. They are only human. They will only be able to bear your brokenness for so long before they walk away. Allow God to heal your brokenness.

So, often our brokenness stems back from childhood, it stems from multiple bad relationships, it stems from the way we see ourselves instead of the way God sees us. Hurt people truly do hurt people but when you come to a place of healing you no longer cause pain to others. At the same time you learn not to accept it from others as well. When you walk into your healing it changes your life. When God changes your pain to joy and shows you your identity in Him you learn your value. You must understand that this healing is continuous and involves constant forgiveness from your past and your present. Forgiveness is the key to your healing! Forgiveness is not an emotion it is an action. You just do it. Set yourself free from the pain and forgive otherwise you give those who hurt you the power to keep you in bondage. Walk in your freedom and be healed. The word of God says that by His stripes you are healed!(Isaiah 53:5)

I encourage the women and men in my ministry to seek God and be open with Him about their pain. It is okay to grieve the pain. It is okay to feel weak, rejected, abandoned, and hopeless but DO NOT stay there! You have to get back up again and fight. Don't allow the storms of life to drown you. You have a God given purpose that you MUST fulfill. Yes, I am a wife, yes I am a mother, but I also have a purpose God put me on this earth to serve and I have to walk into that purpose in it's fullness. The world does not stop because I am hurting or facing a raging storm. No, I have to throw on my full armor of God (Ephesians 6) and stand on what God told me to do. It would cost me too much to get distracted. It will cost YOU too much to get distracted. Whatever it is, only you know...do what God has purposed for you.  However, please walk into your healing! Don't fight the healing process. Being whole is something you deserve to be! You should want to be at a place of wholeness. After all, what has a life of brokenness got you? Nothing but pain and misery. Allow God to step in and deliver you from that anger, the rage, resentment, bitterness, depression, oppression, the destructive behavior, whatever your struggle is allow God to heal you. He can do it. He did it for Me!!!

There are things that I face now that if I had to face them last year this time it would have sent me off the cliff but now I see it for what it is, a distraction from my purpose! So, I pick up my cross like Jesus. He had every opportunity to come down from the cross and not die for our sins because of the pain He was enduring. Like Jesus I have every right to step down from my cross because of the pain but if I step down at what cost? What lives will be affected? I trust God to guard my heart and to fulfill His will for my life. I see what He is already doing and I am just amazed. I have not even seen the fullness of what God is preparing me to do but I feel the greatness and I see the greatness He has connected me to. I have a gift and a heart that supersedes what I had imagined my purpose to be.God gifted me with a greater purpose and I am watching the fruit bearing daily. Please, if you truly want to see God's glory manifest into your life let Him bring healing into your life!

God bless and blog with you later....Smooches =)

Remove Your Rings!!!

Ever since middle school I had a fascination with rings. It was just pretty jewelry to me. Even when I became engaged it was just pretty jewelry. Even when I became a wife. It was still just pretty jewelry. I believe from past broken engagements and growing up in a family of multiple divorces on both sides of my family there was no reverence for marriage anymore. It had all been tainted by what I was surrounded by and my own personal experience with relationships. The meaning behind an engagement ring or a wedding band no longer had any meaning to me. The only meaning I had from mine were that they were from my husband and anything he has ever given me has always had great value no matter how small.

Earlier this year, I believe it was in February God commanded me to remove my ALL of my rings. Then replace 3 of them back on. I was only allowed to wear the ones my husband had given to me when we became engaged and my wedding band. On my other hand I was only allowed to wear the one my grandmother had given to me at 18. She passed away in 2010. When God first told me to remove my rings I can admit I did not want to. Yet God reminded me that as we were on this journey to transformation that I had promised to trust and obey Him. So, I removed my rings in obedience, and replaced my engagement ring, wedding band, and the ring from my grandmother back on my fingers and said, "Now what God?"

At this point I was sitting on my bed and God began to tell me the importance of the rings on my finger. They were not just jewelry. This was a covenant between Him and I as well as my husband. I had to respect this covenant and honor this covenant because my marriage was sacred. Like a circle that never ends, marriage is supposed to never end. These circles (rings) around my finger are a never ending covenant that I was not even acknowledging because of my past. So, before I always loved my rings because they were gifts from my husband but now when I look at my rings I love them because they are a reminder of the covenant I made with God and before God with my husband.

Many times we get married and never know what marriage is actually supposed to be because we look at it from the world's view. It is just a piece of paper and some jewelry. No, it is so much more. It is a holy covenant between God. It is something beautiful. It is something amazing. It is a gift from heaven that keeps on giving as long as you do marriage the way God designs it. I thank God for telling me to REMOVE MY RINGS!!! By this command He also removed my ignorance concerning my rings...

Blog with you later...Hugs and Love. =)

Wifehood

Seven months into the year and ten months into my transformation I can say that I am pleased with the wife I have become. It took a lot of hard work to get here but it isn't my final stop. I continue to strive and grow as the wife God has called me to be. I remember the sleepless nights, the tear stained pillows, and the many talks with God that brought me here. I had to be broken. I was broken from all the ideas and expectations I thought was supposed to come with wifehood. I replaced those things with God's word and what He said a wife should be. When I say it was life changing....It was LIFE CHANGING!!! I still fell down along the way but I got back up again. I kept getting up being more  determined to be the wife God designed for me to be! No, my journey has not been easy but it has been so worth it! I stand strong knowing God is my strength. I know my role and I stay in my lane.

That is very hard for us as women to stay in our lanes especially in this independent mentality of "I am every woman" and "I don't need a man because a man needs me." Truth is we need each other! Often we enter marriage not truly knowing or roles and we often spend time merging in the lanes of our husbands instead of submitting to them. Submission is not a bad thing. It is a great thing actually. When we as wives learn to submit to God it allows us to submit to our husbands. This does not mean we are dominated by them but that we trust that they will lead our family in the right direction and we trust God to help them with this. Marriage cannot be done in our own strength. We need God to help us to do marriage God's way. We have to die to our flesh daily. We have to RESPECT our husbands. When we respect them they know we love them!

As men it is hard to come home to a wife and children who make you feel disrespected and unloved. A husband is supposed to want to rush home from work to be with his family not want to stay there longer to avoid them. As wives we have to show them the love and respect they need and deserve. I know you are wondering...well...what about the men? I am NOT a man so I can't speak for them but as a woman and a wife I can speak on what YOU should be doing! Besides too many times wives point out the flaws of their husbands as if they are flawless. Until you learn to speak life into your marriage and husband you will continue to see negative results! Work on you and allow God to work on him. Trust me, you have plenty of things that God needs to get out of you before He can even begin to touch your husband. Stop the blame game and start the change game!

Blog with you later...Hugs & Love!!!

The Waiting Process

It's never easy to wait on God. It takes a kind of patience that many of us do not possess because God's timing is not our timing. A year to us can be like a second to God but the point is do we trust God more than we trust the time? God is not an untrustworthy God. We have no reason to doubt Him yet we do. In this world of technology and easy access we make our prayer life the same way. We expect to pray and receive like it's a microwave dinner. Unfortunately, that is not how prayer is supposed to work. Besides prayer is supposed to be more about building a relationship with our Father than asking Him to grant wishes like He is our magical genie in a bottle waiting to grant us wishes at our command.

I wonder how our prayer life would change if we focused more on what God wanted us to do instead of what we wanted God to do for us? I believe we would have a whole lot less unanswered prayers because we would already be on the right track with God. By seeking God first we would be in His will and not our will. God always grants us what is in His will. It is when we try to make our will His will that we become disappointed when we do not receive what we have been praying for. It's time for a prayer lifestyle change. Waiting on God most likely will never be easy. However, waiting with a cheerful heart will make the process less challenging. God does not break His promises!

I can admit that sometimes waiting on God's timing can become frustrating. Nevertheless, I have learned two thing either I am not ready to receive my request or my request is not ready to receive me! Either way God has a perfect timing for His release and it's my job to wait patiently knowing that He only wants what is best for me. I have learned also that it is best to stay in God's will during the waiting process because we can cause ourselves to forfeit the right to receive what we are asking God for. As children of God we cannot be disobedient and still expect to be rewarded. God rewards His faithful servants not servants who think they know better than God. Many times our pride and impatience gets us into trouble that we cannot get ourselves out of.

The waiting process isn't a time to just sit idle. It's a time to prepare for what you are asking God for. Whether it be a new job, a new house, a new baby, a husband or a wife it is time to PREPARE! The great thing about waiting is that you have plenty of time to prepare and be ready to receive the blessing or miracle you need and want from God.You may not want to wait but what choice do you really have? Remember you cannot see what God sees on the other side of the mountain.Your job is to just wait and while waiting get prepared. Some of you have lost some things and are waiting on God to return your peace, your joy, your hope, your child, or even your spouse.

Yes, we get tired waiting...BUT WAIT! We get confused waiting....BUT WAIT! We get discouraged waiting....BUT WAIT! We cry waiting....BUT WAIT! You see it's power in waiting. Those who wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength...Yes those who wait mount up like EAGLES! Don't worry about the wait!!! You see when God releases you from the waiting room He is going to take you into surgery. He is going to replace the old with the new. He is going to give you a spiritual dialysis! Yes, God is restoring what the enemy thought he stole from you but God only let him borrow it because He had something greater. 

What the enemy thought he was stealing can't touch what God has for you on the other side of that waiting room! It's time to come up into that recovery room! It's time recover from the loss! It's time to recover from the disappointment, the rejection. the abandonment, the lies, the naysayers, the backstabbers, the liars, the cheaters, it's time to RECOVER Ya'll! The enemy thought he was going to flat line you when he did what he did but God supercharged you with His anointing! By all means.....WAIT!!!! Let me stop before I start preaching!!! Just know when the wait is over everything God promised you will come to pass in Jesus name!!!!!

Blog with you later...Hugs & Love. =)

Home Is Where The Heart Is...

I can't explain it but every time I come to New York I never want to leave. On my to Newark yesterday afternoon I can't explain why it felt like home driving through the city and taking in the view. After all I have never lived anywhere but Florida. The closer it gets to my departure date a sadness overwhelms me knowing once again I will be heading back to my home state. It won't be so long before I return again. This feels like my second home that should have been my first! =')

Sighs...Blog with you later loves!!! **Smooches**

Unspeakable Joy

I cannot explain this joy but of course I do know it could come from nowhere but God. I feel like my emotions are overwhelming me with such great things. My heart is flooding with so much of God's love. It seems like in the midst of such uncertainty God is the constant certainty reminding me that His loves never fails. I feel like He performed open heart surgery on me. Everything feels different. Even the way I love has become so much different. I continue to look into what lies ahead while being thankful for what I left behind.God is doing something and my atmosphere is surrounded by His love knowing He has great things in store for me. Just knowing that even when I could not see the light of my very dark tunnel, God was my light and He walked me through until the victory was mine and the glory was His! I am truly nothing without God but in Him I am everything and I  have everything!

Friend or Foe?

Sometimes I think my obsession with psychology and how the mind works seriously affects how I view people and their motives. However, over the years I have learned that giving people the benefit of the doubt can turn out to be a painful mistake. There are many sides to living your life on display. It leaves you exposed to every element of human behavior. This day in time not many people are bold with their attacks on you. No, they dress it up with smiles and the famous, "I'm praying for you." phrase when in reality they are preying on you instead. In the past things like this would have wounded a part of me. Especially, when it is from someone that's close to my heart. Now I see past the action into the part of them that must be deeply wounded. I mean what else could explain a person's display of false joy when they see a splurge of happiness come your way? It's sad that people in  this world truly would rather watch you suffering than to see you successful and happy. Well....I am smiling anyway! It was a hard road to get to this place and I don't have much longer to go. If I have not learned anything else over this season in my life it is this: What was intended for bad was turned around for my good! Experiencing the truth in that is something that cannot be taken away. I embrace these changes. I know there are great leaps of faith I still have to fearlessly jump over. I am ready to jump better yet fly to where my next destination is. I am soaring to new heights now but I still have a long way to go before I say I have reached where God wants me to be! ;-)

blog with you later....Smooches!!!

Sometimes holidays are painful....

Missed birthdays, holidays, and special occasions aren't the same when you aren't spending them with the ones you love. I try to brace myself through these moments but it's in the quiet moments that the silence seems so loud and the tears seem so hard to contain. I have no idea why the pain seems to be bursting through the seams more and more lately. I try not to get distracted by the pain and just focus on the work God is doing but I can't ignore the grieving that is taking place in the very depths of my soul. Could this be a sign that the contractions are rapidly approaching? Should I be preparing to give birth? I know I have to push through the pain to reach the end of this miracle. When I am face to face with my miracle I will know that it was nobody but God who brought me through it.

More and more it seems there are tears on my pillow. Yet I wake up smiling knowing that God is still the author of this book called, My Life. He has not forgotten me and as He sits at His throne He is acknowledging the good and faithful servant I have been. Even when I wanted to give into my fears and not do what He asked me to do I was obedient no matter how the fear consumed me I followed God and trusted Him. My spirit is apprehensive and only prayer soothes it. God knows the desires of my heart and He knows my desire to please Him. As bad as all of this hurts I won't be moved until God moves me! 

Blog with you later....Hugs & Love!!!

He Has Great Plans For Me...

As the weeks and days go by I sit back and think of all the things God has shown me and the ways He has spoken to me. I am always asking Him if I am on the right track and doing exactly what He wants me to do and He keeps reminding me that I am. I look at how far I have come and to some it may look like a long time but to me it's such a short time. If it wasn't for my blogs and my journals I could not accurately express how I got to this place. It would appear that I woke up and became who I was always supposed to be but that is not the truth. It took great pain and adversity to reach this place. It took much growth and healing to be the woman I am today. God met me at my lowest and brought me so much higher than I thought I could be and yet I still have higher heights to rise to.

There are days when my plate seem so full and I wonder if I can handle all that has been placed on it. In those moments God shows me that He has never given me anything whether it was good or bad that I could not handle. He has always equipped me for everything I just had to know how to use it. I have learned that most battles are fought on your knees in prayer and not with your words in frustration or anger. I have seen that things that appeared to be dead in my life have been resurrected and restored to something greater than what I had before. God has given me such a heart that forgives that even when I think it is something I could never forgive I find myself releasing it knowing that it is better to let it go and be free than hold it and become toxic again. My life is free of toxicity and I detox as much as I need from negativity.

I am in great anticipation for the future things that are going to happen in my life. These are game changing events that will show just how faithful God truly is . No matter what the world says or how it looks prayer changes things because there is nothing impossible for God. I trust Him and His word. My faith is in Him and not my fears. I will continue to feed my faith and starve my fears until every promise is given to me. I will look back at where I was and then look back to who I am and then know that God is going to take both my past and present to impact the future He has laid out for me. My greater is coming and it won't tarry at all...

Blog with you later...Hugs and Love. ;-)

I Love New York!!!

I haven't been to the place I fell in love in almost 3 yrs. Well, to celebrate that anniversary and my birthday as well I am excited to FINALLY be in the place I've been missing so much. =) I can't wait to see my family and old friends there and of course have me a bacon, egg, and cheese! Mmm, yes I love New York. Now I get to share this experience with my son who rarely gets to go on trips but his big sister has been all over the place the past year. Matter of fact, she is on a trip now with her school. So, I am super excited and I thank God for providing for me to take this much needed vacation.

I think between all the illness and surgical procedures and trips to the hospital I deserve to go some place nice. Everybody needs to spoil themselves and that is something I rarely get to do. Being in multiple ministries I am always pouring into so many others. Now it is time for me to pour back into myself with the people I love. I have no idea what to expect of this trip because in my family you expect the unexpected and pray nobody goes to jail...LOL

It's storming outside so that's all for now my loves...I will blog with you later!!! Smooches ; )

If I Could...

Sometimes the easy road seems so much better and so much lighter on the heart. Being a Christian isn't always easy. Following God's will can be extremely difficult especially when looking at what you have to do to follow it! I should be thankful that I have grown so much that taking the easy way out is no longer natural to me. Now I sit back and think of the consequences of being out of God's will. I believe I have done enough damage to my life by being out of God's will at 32 I do not desire to continue to make such foolish mistakes.

I quite frankly do not understand this path I am on completely but I do know while being on this path I have helped a lot of people. Mostly, strangers that have become like family to me. Through the darkness of my pain God shined a light for His glory. However, a large part of me wishes to walk off this path. It is a painful path to walk at times. I keep asking God to release me so I can be free from the attachments of this path but I am told to stand and focus on Him and not the bumpy road ahead. I keep trying to stay motivated because love draws me to this path but that same love is tired of the pain it has to travel through while on this road.

Because I trust God more than I trust this pain I will stay in obedience to His word. His word is the truth I live by. Even if those who should be following it choose to live opposite to it because of their lack of knowledge and understanding I still have to do the right thing and be who God called me to be...it's hard but it is right! At the end of the day I know God is guarding my heart each and every day.

At The Cross...

 

Thursday evening the children and I put our names on the cross. It was a symbolization of our sins being nailed to the cross and covered by the blood of Jesus to wash away our sins. My son did one for my husband and I put it on the cross and said a little prayer to cover our family and forgive us for our sins as well as to thank God for sending His son to die for our sins. Then last night we went to Good Friday service at our church and took communion at the end. Although, my husband was not there I prayed to God and said because we are "one flesh" I would stand and represent us both so once again I said a prayer asking God to forgive us of our sins and thanking Him for the great sacrifice. I prayed that God would give us a heart like His and that we would draw closer to Him. In that moment I felt something so serene and beautiful and for the first time communion meant something so much greater to me than ever before.

God has brought me so far and my family so far and although we have not reached our final destination I thank God for the ultimate sacrifice He gave through Christ. Every time I see what I lost and the tears begin to form I remember look how far I've come and look how much I have gained? God has done something in me that is greater than any gift or talent He could have ever given me. He gave me LOVE! No matter how many times I failed Him, He never stopped loving me. No matter how many times I disappointed Him I was loved. Even while in disobedience God gave me His mercy, His grace, but most of all His unwavering love! God's love NEVER fails even when I fail!!!! I am so grateful He took the time out to teach me how to love. He worked through my anger, my bitterness, my hate, my rage, my depression, my suicidal thoughts and He reached down and smiled on me as if I wasn't these broken pieces but I was perfectly whole in His eyes. God loved me even before I walked into the woman He called me to be! I am forever thankful for that kind of love and that kind of God. This is proof that there is purpose for my pain and none of it has been in vain because look at who I am today. =) I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am trusting the process even though I don't know the plans....

Blog with you later **huggies**

March 26, 2010

Three years ago today I stepped off a plane at La Guardia airport in New York. It was my first time ever getting on a plane and it was the first fear I truly conquered of flying. I had recently buried my grandmother a couple of weeks prior. It was the hardest loss I have ever encountered. My spiritual backbone was no more but God had provided me a new one as she was leaving. I didn’t know at the time that this person would turn out to be the man I married. I made sure to have a window seat because if the plane was going to crash I wanted to see it! lol However, as the plane ascended into the air it looked like peace in heaven. I felt so at peace and I was ready to see what was in store for me. I remember stepping off the plane and my nerves were a wreck. I was apprehensive of the weekend that lied ahead of me. The moment I walked out the airport I saw my boyfriend at the time getting out the cab . It was like whoa! What a beautiful creation of God he was to me and his smile seemed brighter than the sun. When I say he spoiled me in every way he could, he really did! I felt like a Queen and I was in awe of the amazing heart inside of him. We were up and down Manhattan the whole weekend and I fell in love with New York. While falling in love with New York I said to myself that this is the man I want to give my love as well as my heart to and I did just that. I chose to love the man who made me feel like his Queen.

He took me to my first play. We went to see Lion King and until this day every time I feel really bad I think about that day and the play. I remember when he was in training with the military he would write in his letters to think of that day and remember we would have more of those days. He kept to that promise because we did have more of those days every chance he had. So, much has changed from those happy days of parading around New York. A lot has been lost and a lot of pain has developed over the years, Nevertheless, every time I think of New York I will see our love manifested. Every time I feel like it’s too much to bear I will see all the great things that came out of the man God brought to me. I will always love New york and I will always love my husband for this reason. He opened my life to a whole new world that I could have only seen through his eyes.

He loved me in spite of my brokenness and even when that same brokenness hurt him he tried with everything in him to love me with everything he had. However, only God could truly love my hurt away. Only God could truly make me whole again and I must say I love being this whole woman I am today! I love that God showed me my enemy, myself! Above all these things I am glad that God taught me how to love the right way. Now, I pour out that love every chance I get. Love is the most beautiful gift we can give anybody and marriage is such a privilege. I honor and respect the things God has placed inside of me and around me. God sent such an overflow of His love into my heart and it continues to spill over in every inch of my being. I thank God for my husband because of all the good he has brought into my life. I pray God overflows his own heart with this kind of love. It’s better than anything I could ever give him.
When I think of today my eyes begin to water because today reminds me of the start of something that beautifully changed my life and my heart forever…..I will call today my anniversary of “choosing to” love!!! =)

Sleepless Nights...

My health is fighting against the rapid thoughts within my mind so in return both are keeping me awake simultaneously. This is week two of this under the weather blues. My body keeps shutting down on me at such random times. I am thankful that is not followed by pain but the effects are still the same. Stuck in bed looking at a calendar full of events and commitments I have yet my body is saying, "No, I want to rest."

This is different for me. In my whole 32 years of living I have never experienced such overwhelming grief when it comes to being ill. I have always had a support system in place but now it is just me. Picking up the pieces, pushing through my bad days because well......I don't have a choice. If I don't do it then who will? All I have is me! I don't like this place. How can I be surrounded by people and still feel so alone in this area? I don't understand this season in my life. Honestly, it' hard to have faith when the more right you do the more odds seem to stack up against you. It's like you are trying to stay focused on God in the midst of all these other things that are out of your control but when it is your health it's like okay, this is too much. I am not used to being sick in this manner. I go to doctors who cannot give a clear answer on what is happening other than an educated guess of why I feel like a walking zombie.

I have amazing things happening in me and around me and I can't even enjoy them because I just don't have the energy to. I don't have the motivation to do what I am called to do because physically and mentally I am drained. Nevertheless, I still find a way to pour out into my teens. I still muster up the energy to walk these women through their healing. I still dig deep in me to minister and pray for these wives and husbands who are dealing with so much in their marriages. I do all of this without having barely enough energy to get out of my bed in the morning to take my son to school. Or help my children with their school projects. As a matter of fact I have a prayer call to administer in a few hours but I feel so horrible I can't even sleep comfortably.

Now I lie awake thinking of things that only bring tears to my eyes. Things that shouldn't even be making me cry anymore because I've worked through that over and over again just to get to this place of peace I am at right now. I recognize it is the enemy. Seeking to disturb my mind so he could enter my dreams with pure foolishness that I don't need to dream. I look around my room and see everything that should make me smile but right now looking at these things makes me feel the complete opposite. The one place in my home that I made my sanctuary of peace all of a sudden does not feel so peaceful in this moment. I see visions of painful memories that no longer tangibly exist in my reality. I feel a presence that is always with me yet at the same time thousands of miles away. Sometimes, I try to bury all the pain but I know every bit of it I need to feel in order to continue to heal.

Here I am stuck between this physical discomfort and mental discontent that my sleep has escaped from me. I have no idea what God is doing but I am trusting Him even though I am at my wits end because I can't do this on my own. I pray He orchestrates a whole new avenue of support....I shouldn't have to go through this alone. I wouldn't even want my worst enemy(I have none) to be alone at such a time as this.

With tearful eyes I say, "Blog with you later!"

Obedience - Fear = God's Power

God has placed a task on my heart that I will admit that I am afraid to carry through but I "WILL" do what He told me to do. It was my promise to God that I would do my best to obey Him even when I don't understand it and even if it hurts. I will follow God's lead!!!!

This has been an amazing year for me so far in overcoming fears. Each time I overcome a fear the reward is overwhelmingly humbling. God opens a new door or freedom for me and people just start pouring into my life. People who are pretty much strangers to me. However, they see the God in me.

Even thinking about this task in front of me. My eyes are filling with tears....

(I'll Be Back)

My nerves are bad...my body is shivering....but I was obedient to what God told me. It's released and I worked through my fear even with the tears falling from my eyes and the doubt in my heart. I don't know why God asked me to do what He asked and maybe it isn't for me to know. Maybe it was to help me grow in this area of weakness. To step out of my comfort zone. He has been having me out of my comfort zone a lot. I am quite overwhelmed in this moment. So, on that note....

Blog with you later. **Hugs**

A Walk With God....

As I walk through this Nature Park I haven't walked through in 6 months I am recognizing how important it is to be in silence to hear God's voice in clarity. I also recognize that walking and typing isn't the best idea but hey I am different. **shrugs**

God has been calling me to place of silence. To really sit in silence, drive in silence, and even sleep in silence for that matter. I have this habit of sleeping with the TV on because it is more comforting to sleep that way. However, God is taking a hold of my fears in this season of my life. He has called me to be bold in my walk with Him and to use my voice to speak His truths. The word of God is His truth!

It is so easy to conform to the ways of the world and compromise God's word in order to make sin acceptable. Well, like my pastor said, "The laws and the court system may change but the Bible does not". It is hard to live a righteous life but thank God it is the righteousness of Jesus that saves us and not our own. Even while being a Christian woman, wife, mother, and working in ministry I was not always righteous. Whether it was in my thoughts, my emotions, my words, or even my actions. When I look back at the person I used to be it brings tears to my eyes. Thank God for healing and changing me! I am still a work in progress but for the fact that others see growth that I had not even recognized proves that God has done a work in me. He keeps birthing gifts out of me and His favor over my life is amazing.

It takes truly walking with God to experience all God has to offer. To know God's love on this level forces you to show and give love on an earthly level. Even when people hurt you, judge you, condemn you, gossip about you....whatever it is you are able to show them love in the midst of their wrong doing. God wants us to act in love no matter what because He extends that same grace and mercy towards us.

God is never blind to our good doing and as hard as it is I encourage you to do what is right no matter the cost! God will bless you for you obedience in His timing....
I Love you all. Smooches.....Blog with you later. ;-)

My Pure Heart Towards Marriage

The number one thing marriage did for me was forced me to GROW UP! When you become one with another person the whole dynamics of your relationship changes. It can be very challenging for a while especially while merging as one you are afraid of losing your identity. In actuality you are not losing your identity you are adding to it. Your spouse should be strong where you are weak and vice versa. It balances out and it compliments one another.

Nonetheless, often times when we get married we have no idea what in the world we are doing! I know I had no clue. I had a preconceived conception but I did not know how to apply the tools it takes to build a strong healthy marriage. Mainly because I didn't study God's word on marriage to know! It was something I had to learn through trial and error and through great pain and disappointments. If I look at the wife I was then and the wife I am now I can honestly say I did not represent a wife the way God said to represent a wife. Many times I acted out of emotions. Very unstable emotions. When you do that you are not being logical. You just respond based on your feelings without thinking about what you are saying or even doing.  God challenges us to be slow to speak and swift to listen.(James 1:19 You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.) I wasn't a good listener because I was always speaking. After becoming healed from some things I realized that stemmed from me trying to be heard because something that happened in childhood took away my voice. Well, sorry but in marriage that is not the time to stand up for your right to be "right." That is so out of order and quite ungodly character for a wife or even a husband for that matter.

There was not divine order. 1. God 2. Spouse. 3. Children 4. Work/Ministry. When you become married your husband or wife comes before everything that follows after God. God is ALWAYS first but your spouse is ALWAYS second and there is no exception to this. As women we tend to put our children above our husband because we are wired to be nurturers and that is out of order. For men they tend to place their jobs as most important because they are naturally wired to be providers. 1 Corinthians 11:3 "But I want you to realize that the head of every man is Christ, and the head of the woman is man, and the head of Christ is God." Without this order there will be no order in your marriage only chaos.  There is a divine order that must be followed in order to have  lasting healthy marriage. There is no way of bypassing this!

It took a lot of intense therapy and spiritual healing to recover from my past of sexual abuse, rejection, and abandonment issues. I had placed so many of my fears onto my husband that I am pretty sure often times he felt like my enemy. I believe I most likely treated him as such too. He became an outsider within our own marriage. That is a toxic environment to be in. Not to say that he did not have his own history but that is irrelevant because I am accountable to God for how I treat him no matter what he does. The bible states that wives are to respect their husband. (Ephesians 5:33 “Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband”) Not just when you feel like it or only when you feel that person is on their best behavior according to your standards. No, that is your way but not God's way on how to be in a marriage.

One of the main issues with marriage is that we think it is about us when it is really about God. Marriage is the most sacred covenant to God outside of our covenant with Him. However, too many of us see marriage as a title, a piece of paper, or some sort of business contract we can get out of when we don't want to be bothered anymore. Malachi 2;16 "For I hate divorce!" says the LORD, the God of Israel. "To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty," says the LORD of Heaven's Armies. "So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife." It does not get any clearer than that. God expects us to reverence marriage as He does and to do everything it takes to honor it. Many times that requires a lot of time praying and seeking God because marriage is work. It is a full time job that you have to show up for daily. I am no expert on this marriage thing but God's word does not lie and He is the expert on this subject since He created this holy union.

I wish when I became married that I had seen marriage through God's eyes. I wish I would have loved my husband through God's heart. If I knew then what I knew now I would have treasured the privilege that was given to me to be a wife. Yes, it is a PRIVILEGE to be married. That is just how special this covenant is to God. We cannot take that for granted or we will take our spouses for granted. Our vows are not just to them but they are to God. When we break covenant with our spouse we break it with God too. Did you know that how you treat your spouse is a representation of how you treat God? Ephesians 5:25 "For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her." It really changes your perspective when you make that God connection.

God has given me a great passion for marriage. As a matter of fact a ministry came out of all the hell that transpired by not doing marriage God's way and going by my own rules. I am in love with marriage. I am in love with praying for those who are married and guiding them off the damaging path that I was on. It was pretty ugly. Praise God for changing me mentally, healing me emotionally, and fulfilling me spiritually. He has poured much wisdom and knowledge into me that now I can help others have a healthy marriage.And for the ones who are struggling or going through a separation or possible divorce I can say let's pray and see what God says! God can turn an impossible situation into something miraculous. Until God says otherwise you have to fight for your marriage through prayer and obedience. God's will gets done but remember we all have free will. God will never make another person come back. They have to feel it in their own heart to do so. And if they do not come back to the marriage then it doesn't mean it was not God's will it means the other person chose not to abide by it. God will always give you directions. He is not a God of confusion! 1 Corinthians 14:33 "For God is not a God of disorder but of peace, as in all the meetings of God's holy people."

Some people fail to realize that they could be the problem in their marriage because they are too busy focusing on their spouses shortcoming and what they are doing wrong or God change them! No! Ask God to change YOU! Too often we don't act in love consistently. Imagine if every time we did not do what God wanted us to do that He just stopped loving us. What if God gave us nasty attitudes, silent treatment, and harsh words? How would that make us feel? It would make me feel brokenhearted if God did that to me! Thank God for grace. We must extend this same grace to our spouses. We are not perfect so why do we expect our spouses to be? I am pretty sure they have plenty to say about our ways.

It's time to stop trying to control a marriage that only God should have control over! Let's break this cycle of divorce by being the wives and husbands God has called us to be. Matthew 19:6 "So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

LOVE ON PURPOSE DAILY NOT JUST WHEN YOU FEEL LIKE IT! Marriage is like going to your job. If you don't show up then you don't get paid and worse you lose your benefits the more you don't show up. Marriage is so beautiful and should be treated and respected as such. It is time to think of ourselves less and our spouses more! Let's get it together people and be the blessing in your marriage not the curse!

Blog with you later....SMOOCHES!!! ; )

New vs. Growth

Laying awake before the sun even begins to rise my mind reflects back to who I was and who I have become. I have walked through many stages of my life. Some amazing ones, some painful ones, and some very carelessly irresponsible ones. I find that many people see me as this "new" or "changed" person when in reality I am simply who I always was just with a voice that is able to be heard now. For many years I battled between my flesh and my spirit. However, God tells us to die to our flesh daily. I wasn't trying to die to my flesh because I was coexisting with it and my spirit. Which in turn was killing me on so many different levels.

I have no idea the reason for the tears that are beginning to flow from my eyes but I will just write from my heart and let God be blessed through whatever my heart has to say. As I look back from my childhood until now I see clearly the different stages and traumatic events that altered the person I was intended to be. Nevertheless, at the same time I know that because of those very same things that left me stuck in a painful place caused me to become stronger. Life has taught me many horrible things but I can say in this present time of my growth I have learned to expand on the beauty life has given me in spite of painful experiences. I can accept what I did not have control over and I can forgive myself of the things I did have full control over. I used to see my life as a twisted  beautiful nightmare. Nothing was able to overthrow the bad things because it was just too much of it. With clearer eyes I can see that everything that occurred prepared me for my destiny.

I have learned to trust people in ways I thought I never could. I have learned that even when someone does or says something hurtful to me I can forgive them quickly, pray for them, and still show love towards them as if the act had not occurred. It is one thing to say you love it is another thing to love something or someone that is portraying unlovable behavior. But that is how God loves us. I cannot count the times I broke God's heart yet He still shows me love. He is still blessing me. He still chooses to pour favor into my life. I have rejected God. I have been disobedient to things He asked of me. I've blamed God for things I couldn't understand when it clearly says in His word to lean not to your own understanding because my ways are not your ways! I've been a brat towards God.. I've used God like a magic genie who was supposed to grant me wishes and then I just put Him back on the shelf until the next time. I have even stored hate towards God because I wondered where was He when so many traumatic things were done to me? What kind of God lets this happen? I know now that God gives us all free will and because of that free will He does not control the evil acts people "choose" to commit. I have failed God on every level I could fail Him on but God has never failed me. NOT ONCE!

I am not who I was yesterday, and today I won't be the same person tomorrow because I am constantly growing. Every day I intentionally seek growth. I have become a very intentional woman. Even when I fell in love with my husband almost 3 years ago I loved him on purpose. He was the first person I ever "chose" to love. I didn't simply fall in love with him. I didn't think of it as a big deal but when I told my prayer partner about this a couple of weeks ago she said that was a powerful thing. When I thought about it, she was right. Everything we do is a choice. And choosing to love is a great choice because that is exactly what God wants us to do. I just had a light bulb moment while writing. I am reading this book called The Relationship Principles of Jesus and it talks about this and I have finally made the mind to heart connection with it at full circle. WOW!

As I was saying, I am intentional with everything I do now. I intentionally speaks words of encouragement into people. I intentionally smile and speak to strangers on the street. I intentionally keep a wallet full of singles to give to the same homeless guys every time I leave certain shopping plazas near my home. I intentionally validate the worth in women I encounter. It is sadly troubling that many women or girls do not value themselves. They criticize so many things and I am like but God says you are fearfully and wonderfully made, how can you think otherwise? Well, at one point I thought otherwise honestly.

Hmmm, God just revealed something as I was typing. I love the way God talks to me at such random times that are not so random. I just saw images of myself having conversations with my husband. We were dating at the time. Over and over again I spoke a lot of negative things to tell him that bottom line I was too damaged for him. That at some point he would see past the love and see who I really was and then he would walk away from it all because it would be too much. He hated when I used to do that. He hated when I doubted him. I see now that I was not doubting him in actuality I was doubting my own worth. Whoa...I literally felt that I was not good enough to be loved by him because of my damaged past and the side effects from that past. This is a very heart breaking revelation.....I am a bit lost for words now. I rejected love because I was afraid of love is what I thought but no I rejected love because I didn't think I was lovable. I did not even see that back then like I see it clear as day now. I always believed I was a good person that was not the case. I know I have great qualities and horrible ones too but I see the dysfunction that was hiding in my subconscious.

I can see that by my own hidden feelings inside that I without a doubt I caused great pain within my relationship. I have to thank God right now for showing me this now. He must have felt I was ready to handle this truth. This is not the avenue I intended to go in this blog. It is the complete opposite actually. I am going to mediate on this truth and pray on this matter deeply. Thank you God for showing and teaching me love these past few months.

God has given me this huge platform and I am taking advantage of it all. I will touch on this in my next blog. Right now I need  to soak in what has been shown to me because it hit my heart like a ton of bricks and I need to sit down with God to sort this out....Blog with you later!!! **Smooches**

2013: The Year Of Restoration

I can't say I am sad 2012 is over because it gave me hell! In spite of the storms the benefits I gained made me a better woman in God and that I am thankful for it.

Last year I lost a lot but this year I declare I will regain everything the enemy thought he stole from me! I made it into another year with fresh favor, fresh anointing, fresh wisdom, fresh love, and a fresh purpose. God has opened doors that no man can shut. He has removed things and people who were hindering me but most importantly He showed me my identity in Christ!

My spiritual life has matured drastically. Sometimes when I speak to others I am amazed at the things that are coming out of my mouth. God is pouring so much knowledge into me and I am honored that He is using me to impact the lives of those around me. Especially, those closest to me!

I believe this year my purpose is about to reveal itself in ways it never has before. I am not exactly sure what and how God is going to move through me but I am ready for all He has in store. Now I just have to have the patience and obedience to His will for my life.

I am just at such a spirit of gratefulness and thankfulness. My heart, my soul, my words just cannot appreciate God enough! Thank you God for my life, my marriage, and my children!!!

RESTORATION....RESTORATION......RESTORATION!!!

Blog with you later...Smooches!!! ; )

A Marriage Prayer

A Standers Affirmation 

 



I AM STANDING FOR THE HEALING OF MY MARRIAGE! I will not give up, give in, give out or give over 'til that healing takes place. I made a vow, I said the words, I gave the pledge, I gave a ring, I took a ring, I gave myself, I trusted GOD, and said the words, and meant the words... in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, in good times and in bad...so I am standing NOW, and will not sit down, let down, slow down, calm down, fall down, look down or be down 'til the breakdown is torn down!

I refuse to put my eyes on outward circumstances, or listen to prophets of doom, or buy into what is trendy, worldly, popular, convenient, easy, quick, thrifty, or advantageous... nor will I settle for a cheap imitation of God's real thing, nor will I seek to lower God's standard, twist God's will, rewrite God's word, violate God's covenant, or accept what God hates, namely divorce!

In a world of filth, I will stay pure; surrounded by lies I will speak the truth; where hopelessness abounds, I will hope in God: where revenge is easier, I will bless instead of curse; and where the odds are stacked against me, I will trust in God's faithfulness.
I am a STANDER, and I will not acquiesce, compromise, quarrel or quit. I have made the choice, set my face, entered the race, believed the Word, and trusting God for all the outcome.

I will allow neither the reaction of my spouse, nor the urging of my friends, nor the advice of my loved ones, nor economic hardship, nor the prompting of the devil to make me let up, slow up, blow up, or give up 'til my marriage is healed.

-Author Unknown